(Phillip, Milo, Adam, Eric, Prince Charming, and Snow White’s Prince all gather around in a circle in the middle of a psychiatrist’s room within the Team Disney building. Each one is seated in a circle, all facing a stern looking female therapist with half glasses and a clipboard.)

Therapist: Well now, perhaps we should all begin. Allow me to introduce myself, I am Dr Mary Blairowitz, and for our next half hour, I would like to listen to all of your problems and why exactly each of you has come here.

Prince: I don’t need to be here! Can I please just go?

Therapist: Now, Mr Prince, please just sit back and remain quiet until it’s your turn to speak. Each of us will have a chance in this session to vent our problems. Now, it appears that all of us are present. All except for Aladdin; the executives are trying to bail him out after his little shoplifting spree at Party City last week. *looks through her papers* Now, after evaluating the issues listed in your folders, I think perhaps we should start with Prince Charming. Mr Charming, it says here that you feel neglected and unappreciated. Can you tell us why that is?

Charming: Well, it just seems like nobody ever pays any attention to me. It’s like I’m Mr Faceless Doormat. How come I don’t get any merchandise with Cindy? Where am I on the lunch boxes?! Why don’t they have plushies of me? Why am I so unpopular?! They say I’m cardboard, but hell, I had a huge role in Cinderella 3! Didn’t anybody watch that? I saved Cindy! Don’t I get hero status like Phillip or Eric here?! But nooo, apparently nobody cares.

Prince: Maybe it’s because you look like a woman in drag and wear horse brushes on your shoulders.

Therapist: Mr Prince! I told you to remain quiet until your turn! Continue, please, Mr Charming.

Charming: And that’s another thing! Why does everyone call me just “Prince Charming”? I have a name already! It’s...

*DING!*

Therapist: *looks at timer* Oh, I’m sorry, Mr Charming, but your time is up for now. Now then, Eric I would like for you to tell me about why you’re here.

Eric: *looks bewildered* I don’t know! Ariel just sent me!

Therapist: *thumbs through pages* It says here that she mentioned she felt you were extremely shallow and had a *ahem* “roving eye.”

Eric: What?! That’s a load of bull! I’m not shallow! I care for Ariel!

Therapist: Now I was just reading how you two met, and noticed something interesting here. It says that you actually met Ariel a few days before you knew she was the one with the special voice, yet you didn’t even seem to really care for her. In fact, you didn’t even save her until after you found out she had the magic voice. Could it be that you really don’t care for her, but are just feeding this infatuation you had with this mysterious girl? And after you married her, the mystery had gone and you lost interest?

Eric: What?! That’s not true! What crackpot university did you get your degree from?! I told you already I care for her!

Therapist: Then why does your wife go on to list all these names you had “close relations” with after you had been married...

Prince: Maybe you should question about his fetish, doctor.

Eric: *glares* What are you talking about?

Prince: Oh, don’t deny it, Eric. You know you have a “little thing for fish.”

Eric: What are you saying?

Prince: You’re a freakin’ fish f***er!

Eric: What?! I am not!

Prince: Just as I thought, he denies it!

Therapist: Mr Prince, please!

Eric: At least I’m not the pedophile! I’m not the one who married a 14 year old girl!

Prince: Hey, Snow isn’t 14! She’s 16 just like Ariel!

Eric: *rolls eyes* Sure. Every 16 year old like her hasn’t hit puberty and has a flat chest.

Milo: Um, guys? Can we all just calm down now? There’s no need to...

Prince: Shut up, twiggy!

Eric: And let’s not forget his case of nercrophiliasm, doc!

Prince: What the hell are you talking about?!

Eric: C’mon, you can’t deny it! You kissed Snow without even knowing she was still alive! I bet if the dwarfs weren’t there, you would have...

Prince: That’s not true, fish lover!

Milo: Actually, according to the definition of necrophiliasm, it is...

Prince: Shut your pie hole, geek boy! Why not sit in your corner and read some more until your brain explodes!

Phillip: You’re the one who won’t shut your pie hole, Prince! If you would just shut up for a minute and listen to everybody else...

Prince: Oh, just stifle already, Phil! Mr Goody Two Shoes! Sometimes I wish Maleficent had chewed you up for dinner!

Therapist: Mr Prince! Behave yourself this moment and take a seat!

Prince: You’re telling me to be quiet?! He’s the one who interrupted me! He even talks to his horse while he’s riding through the woods! How insecure is that?!

Therapist: Mr Prince! For the last time, please remain silent until it’s your turn to speak!

(Prince begrudgingly sits down and glares at the therapist.)

Therapist: Now Mr Thatch, I know you’re often times forgotten. I had to make several calls, send e-mails out to twenty people, search files, and finally just buy a copy of your movie and show it to executives as proof that you exist.

Milo: *pouting* I’m not very well liked.

Therapist: I’m sorry, Mr Thatch. Is that why you’re here today, because you feel neglected?

Milo: *nods, with his pupils getting huge and watery*

Eric: Oh, not the puppy dog eyes!

Therapist: Eric, please! Let Mr Thatch speak!

Milo: Thank you. Well, you see, it’s not so much the lack of toys or unbridled hate. I don’t really care much about popularity at all. After all, I wasn’t exactly the most popular guy in school.

Prince: *gasps* NAAAAAAW!

Milo: I don’t know why though. I mean, I was the captain of the chess club, the debate team, the Latin league...

Therapist: *clears her throat* I’m sorry to interrupt, Mr Thatch, but we are on a strict schedule.

Milo: Oh, heh, sorry. *tugs on his jacket collar and clears his throat* I know the scrawny guy with the big glasses isn’t going to sell a ton of action figures. But I just feel really bad for Kida. She rightfully belongs in the Princess group! Jiminy Christmas, she’s even one of the few who was actually born into royalty! I suppose we should be lucky though. At least we’re not lucked up in the basement like Eilonwy, shouting “What did I do wrong? Can’t I come out now?”

Charming: Wait a minute...are you saying that my Cindy is less important because she was a commoner?

Prince: You tell him, she-man!

Adam: *mutters* Belle wasn’t royalty, but she acts like it...

Milo: *waves his hands* No! No! I didn’t mean that! I just thought it was unfair!

Therapist: Gentlemen! May we please get back to our conversation?

Milo: I would like to, if Prince could just shut his trap for one minute!

Prince: You’re the one who won’t shut it, Lost Incontinent! Boo hoo, nobody cares about me! I think I’ll just cry and whine to get some more attention! Whaaa, why doesn’t anybody like me? I look like a stick figure and I’m all pointy!

Milo: Bite me, Watercolor!

Phillip: No one makes fun of the sharp angled style while I’m around! Just because we’re in the minority of the Disney group, doesn’t mean you’re better than either of us!

Milo: We're both members of the Non Curved Design Club!

(Both Phillip and Milo take out their membership cards.)

Charming: Who else is in it?

Milo: Well, there's Aurora and Kida, and Pongo. And...um...

Phillip: Don't forget Professor Owl, O'Flannery, and Wingwagon Smith and Molly.

Prince: Who?!

Therapist: Gentlemen, please. We are on a very tight schedule. May we all calm down and just press on with our session?

(Everybody sits back down and remains quiet.)

Therapist: Now then, let us move off of this topic and turn to you Adam. It says here, that lately you’ve been experiencing problems recently after your marriage. Would you care to tell us about them?

Adam: Well, you see lately...

Prince: Who the hell are you?!

Therapist: Mr Prince!

Prince: What?! I’m just asking who this guy is! He isn’t a Disney prince.

Eric: I never heard of a guy named Adam in our group either.

Prince: Well, Milo, it looks like there is someone more forgettable than you!

Adam: Hey, I belong here! It’s me, the Beast!

Prince: *stares at him* You’re not the Beast! The Beast is all hairy and a giant puffball! You’re...you’re just some buff pretty boy with girly hair. Hell, you’ve even got a thicker head of hair than my wife! You even make Aurora look like Kojack!

Therapist: Mr Prince, you are really trying my patience! Remain silent and wait your turn! Please continue, Adam.

Adam: Well, ever since Belle and I’ve gotten married, I feel like she’s always been a little disappointed in me. She keeps complaining that she misses when I was cuddly and furry, and that now I remind her of some guy named Fabio. And any more she seems to be really controlling of the entire household and myself. She always commands me to do something like I’m some kind of pet dog! Do the chores! Get this for me! Sit here and don’t move! I told you not to move! Don’t make me tell you again! Climb that insanely high ladder and get that book for me!

Prince: Ha ha, he’s been pwned!

Therapist: Mr Prince, silence!

Prince: C’mon doc, can’t I have a sense of humor? Beast is whipped like pastry cream!

Adam: *glaring at Prince* It is not Beast! My name is Adam!

Prince: Fine, Beast Prince...

Adam: IT’S ADAM, YOU JERK! A-D-A-M!

Prince: Jeeze, calm down, Floofy! That’s what got you turned into Baboon Face the first time!

Therapist: That’s it, Mr Prince! You and I are going to have a conference out in the hall!

Prince: What?!

Therapist: Outside, now! Now! *grabs Prince by the arm*

(All the princes join in a long chorused “Oooooh!”)

Milo: *in sing-song tone* Oooh, you’re in troooou-ble now!

Prince: Shut your trap, Mr Peabody!

(Prince is dragged out of the room as the door slams closed.)

Adam: What has him so bitter?

Charming: Hey, Adam, what conditioner do you use?

Eric: *still staring at the door* She has a nice walk, doesn’t she?

Milo: *staring at his hands* You know, I never noticed this before, but my fingers are squared off...

Phillip: I bet Samson’s getting hungry...I’m getting hungry. I wonder if the commissary still serves that good french onion soup I like...

(Fifteen minutes, and lots of shouting and cursing in the hall, later...)

Therapist: Now then, perhaps now we may continue on with our session, hmmm? Mr Prince here has given me his word that he will not continue to interrupt or mock anyone speaking. Isn’t that correct?

Prince: *shrugs his shoulders* Eh...

Therapist: Anyway, we only have a little bit of time left, so I think we should try and continue on with our session. Now then, let’s talk to you Phillip. What’s been bothering you lately? According to my records, there’s nothing I can find that’s been wrong, and you volunteered to come here by yourself.

Phillip: Well, I’ve been married to Aurora for a while now, but lately I’ve been feeling frustrated.

Therapist: How so?

Phillip: Well, I like Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather, but...it’s like they’re everywhere! They’re following her through every part of the castle or they’re spying on us! I can’t get one minute’s peace to be alone with her! I feel so paranoid like they might be anywhere! And dad and my father-in-law keep insisting that Aurora and I... *blushes* give them grandchildren. Now how can we go about that if we can’t get any alone time together?!

Therapist: Well, I’m sure that maybe if you just explain it to her godmothers...

Phillip: Do you know what it’s like trying to explain to those three? You mention one thing, then Flora agrees on the topic. But then Merryweather disagrees with it only because Flora likes it. Then Flora argues. Then Merryweather argues. Soon, they’re zapping each other with their magic wands, while Fauna just stares off into space with that ridiculous sugar smile. I think she’s either going senile or getting Alzheimer’s! I...I can’t take it! I’m already having enough trouble with helping Aurora through her narcolespy, and trying to stop those panic attacks I get in the dark.

Therapist: Panic attacks? Is there a problem that you have with the dark?

Phillip: *blushes in embarrassment and looks around at everyone* Well, yes there is...

Prince: *tries to stop snickering, before finally erupting into laughter* Ha ha, poor little Philly is afraid of the dark!

Therapist: Mr Prince, for the last time please control yourself! Continue, Phillip.

Phillip: It’s not really the dark, it’s just what may be in there. I’ve been scarred ever since that night I got captured by Maleficent. I keep thinking that as soon as everything gets dark, it’s all going to happen again and a bunch of little goons are all going to jump and tie me up again.

Prince: *snickers to himself, trying to contain his laughter*

Therapist: *glares at Prince, before looking back at Phillip* Please continue, Phillip.

Phillip: Well, it’s just that lately, it’s been keeping me awake a lot at night. That and I keep having nightmares of battling Maleficent again. I mean, I battled a 50 foot tall dragon and managed to slay it! I’m still amazed that I’m even alive after that. *clears his throat* Anyway, at night, since I don’t have anything else to do, and since Aurora is always being watched by the three biddies, I go to the kitchen and sometimes just pace or eat a whole container of ice cream. I guess it just helps me cope.

Prince: *mutters under his breath* Fatass.

Phillip: *glares up at him, looking angry* What did you just say?

Prince: I just called you a fatass, because that’s what you are! Stuffing your face all night with ice cream.

Therapist: Mr Prince!

Prince: Besides, what about that fat gene in your side of the family? Your father is a whale, and his father before him! I bet in another five to ten years, you’re going to look just like him.

Phillip: Who are you to even go around badmouthing everyone here?! You don’t even belong in the group of Disney heroes! You belong in the Disney megalomaniacs club with Gaston!

Therapist: Phillip, please remain calm. Mr Prince, I have told you for the last time to control yourself! If you can not cooperate with the group, then I’m afraid you won’t be able to participate with us...

Prince: That’s great! Because I never wanted to in the first place! I’m only here because Snow signed me up for it.

Phillip: *mutters* Gee, small wonder why.

Prince: If she wouldn’t have stopped yelling at me, and hitting me upside the head with her rolling pin, I never would have come!

Therapist: Well, Mr Prince, if you will continue to interrupt, then perhaps we should discuss you.

Prince: *glares at Therapist* Me? Just what do you mean?

Therapist: *keeps writing* Takes great pleasure in the misfortune of others...

Prince: What are you writing?

Therapist: *continues writing* Severe case of foul mouthed language and derogatory comments towards others...

Prince: Stop it! Will you stop writing!

Therapist: *keeps jotting down notes and looks at Prince slyly* Apparently very insecure about himself and how others view him...

Prince: Stop the damn writing! *grabs the Therapist’s notebook out of her hands and throws it to the floor and stomps on it* Where’s your precious notebook now, you nosy broad?!

Therapist: *looks up at him and smiles* Now Mr Prince, just what is your problem?

Prince: My problem?! You want to know what my problem is?! I'm stuck in a room with girly looking Charming, a guy who freakin' makes out with a fish with legs, Thor who whines about his controlment issues, Milo the whiny pencil necked geek, and Phillip over here who cries about being afraid of the dark and stuffs his face with ice cream!

(Everyone in the room glares at him, seething with hatred)

Therapist: Now Mr Prince, I’m just only trying to give help and advice...

Prince: Help, and advice?! I can already give help and advice to these guys right without a fancy diploma! Charming, just get the sex change operation and make it official already! Eric, you might as well start your own porno ring with your apparent fetish with fish. Beast Prince, or whatever the hell your name is, either take control of your own life, or just buy the leash and collar now. Milo, I hope one day a stack of bookshelves fall on you to finally shut you up! And Phillip, if I were you I'd go out and buy a treadmill because all that ice cream eating isn't making you any slimmer! I’m outta here!

(Prince storms out of the room, slamming the door and leaving the other princes stunned and staring)

Therapist: *clears her throat* Well, I would say this has been an...interesting session. I’ll just send my check in the mail, and we’ll all meet up again next week.